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Why Your Team Sucks 2. Detroit Lions. Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Detroit Lions. Butthole is always on the menu.

Only NFC team to never go to the Super Bowl, folks. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 9- 7. The best part was when they started 9- 4 and then EVERYONE looked at the remaining schedule (Giants, Cowboys, Packers) and instinctively knew they were gonna lose out and blow the division to a Packers team that was two games behind with three games left.

And so they did. Most predictable Lions thing to ever happen. They also lost to Tennessee in a game where they had three touchdowns called back by penalties. That is the SECOND most predictable Lions thing to ever happen. They played a Wild Card game against Seattle (try to remember a single thing about it) and had to send their QB out onto the field with a dislocated finger. He went 1. 8- 3. 2 for 2. TDs and they lost 2. Tell me you guys wouldn’t rather smash drives in the Silverdome ruins than watch this team flail around for 1.

Sundays a year. Your coach: Jim Caldwell, whose . Lions head coach in modern NFL history. It’s true. Your greatest coach in the Super Bowl era is your uncle who spends all day fishing: The best part is that virtually every Lions fan will refuse to give Caldwell credit for anything and heap it all upon Jim Bob Cooter instead. One more 9- 7 season and they’ll probably build a Cooter statue outside Ford Field.

Some people are fans of the Detroit Lions. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Detroit Lions. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the. The National Radio Quiet Zone (NRQZ) is a 13,000–square-mile area in West Virginia, Virginia, and part of Maryland that heavily restricts radio transmissions and.

Your quarterback: Matt Stafford. By the end of every season, Matt Stafford is playing with half a frontal lobe and two bones sticking out of his finger. And because the NFL is cruel, they play the Packers in Week 1.

Amazing. That fat bastard will chuck 5. I’m very excited for a somber profile of Stafford 3. My Life Is Hell, as told to S. L. Price. What’s new that sucks: Your uniforms! I am so, so tired of this. You listen to me, professional sports team brand managers of the world: Unless the colors and/or the logo are new, the uniforms are not. You don’t get to have a Seventh Avenue runway party just because you added piping to the jerseys.

See now, this? Now THAT is a redesign. I swear Kid Rock could win that state’s Senate seat by 2. On the field, the team stole T. J. Lang away from the hated Packers to replace departed guard Larry Warford. By law, any free agent signed from New England, Green Bay, or Pittsburgh will immediately turn to shit playing for any other team. Join us in Week 6 when Lang breaks both ankles in a golf cart mishap. Bob Quinn also shrewdly acquired a bunch of other teams’ draft busts, including tackle Greg Robinson (to replace the injured Taylor Decker, whom they really needed), along with cornerback D.

J. Hayden, who needs an Iron Man’s arc reactor implanted in his chest just to keep from dropping dead on the field. What has always sucked: You already know by now.

Detroit is the place where legends retire quietly and without warning. And it’s only after the appropriate amount of time has passed that the obvious comes to light: “I didn’t see a chance for them to win a Super Bowl at the time,” Johnson said.“For the work I was putting in, it wasn’t worth my time, to keep on beating my head up against the wall, and not go anywhere… It’s the definition of insanity… That’s everybody’s goal, when they come to the league, is to win a Super Bowl. Watch Humboldt County Online Full Movie more. That’s the ultimate goal. I wanted to win it, and like I said, I just didn’t see that opportunity with the Lions.”Keep in mind that the Lions went to the playoffs in 2. I know that’s not much, but that 2. Lions had won 1. 0 or more games in 1.

This Caldwell era represents the most successful run of Lions football this century, which is just… God, that’s so sad. Megatron knew it was all a ruse anyway.

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Even with Stafford aboard—by no means the greatest QB ever, but an astronomical upgrade over the parade of cave- dwellers this team started during the 1. Megatron was like, “This is fucking hopeless.” Even when the Lions are good, they’re still lightyears away from being good enough. None of the other teams in their division consider them a rival because they mostly just feel bad for them.

Their ceiling will forever be a wild- card road game that will end in a blowout. You need to be 9. I just didn’t feel like I was treated the way I should have been treated on the way out.”For real, how does this team to manage to alienate its two greatest players? The Ford family must be about as charming as a bag of brown recluse spiders. What a goddamn disaster. As for you, Michigan, you are a national disgrace. Your governor is still dumping urea into the Flint water supply and belongs in supermax prison.

Your legacy of white musicians is downright criminal. Your chili dogs make Skyline look like Eleven Madison Park. Somehow the most prominent sports owner in Detroit is the moron who owns the Cleveland Cavaliers. The state is eternally terrified of Mexicans taking jobs that already vanished 4.

Michigan is a hollowed- out ore mine. Did you know? Buzz Lightyear has questions. What might not suck: Zach Zenner is wayyyy better at not- football stuff than football.

Amazing. You guys went through the whole alphabet of running backs (from Ameer Abdullah to Zach Zenner) and none were good. HEAR IT FROM LIONS FANS! Richard: I am not old enough to remember a single playoff victory. Pete: Fuck this team. Randy: We once lost a game because our defensive tackle missed the game- tying extra point. Jesus, I can’t believe that’s a true sentence. Jim: Between Calvin Johnson and Barry Sanders, our best player was Jason Hanson.

He was a kicker. Patrick: Why would a team based in the Midwest choose Honolulu Blue as a primary team color? Why? Garrison: Catch me drowning my sorrows in hard vodka by 1: 2. Sundays this season. Jake: The transmission for my 2. Ford Focus, along with transmissions for all Focus models from 2. Yes, five years worth of automatic transmissions—a technology that’s been around for more than a century—had to be recalled.

So is anyone surprised the Ford family doesn’t know how the hell to run a football team? Jamie: There have been only two stretches in the Super Bowl era when they’ve had consecutive winning seasons. Trey: The bar has been set so low for this franchise that last season they honored the 1. NFC championship game, with a ceremony and a fucking banner. Joe: Their best defensive player (and probably best human being), who had struggled with injury for two seasons, was cleared by the team’s doctors the day before he was cut just so they could fuck him out of some guaranteed money. It doesn’t take an orthopedic surgeon to guess that he probably wasn’t healthy enough to play when those same doctors cleared him a couple months after his surgery, just in time to be a non- factor during the team’s usual late- season meltdown, and it doesn’t take a Belichick scion to guess what the management had in mind at that time. You know what else is a family- owned franchise? Watch Bring It On: All Or Nothing Mediafire more.

North Korea. Ryan: The Lions have ruined two of the greatest offensive players in the history of the game to the point where they’d rather not play than continue to lose. They then managed to ask for their money back. Chris: Following the Lions allows you to understand your place in the universe. You are irrelevant. The management doesn’t care what you think and the team will never matter to the league.

NFC championship history. Brittany: Fun Fact: Stafford is 5- 4. Ed note: Holy crap.]There are only two types of Lions fans. The type who absolutely know the Lions are destined to be the 2nd worst bunch of fuck ups in the league for eternity (sorry, Cleveland).

The other type of Lions fans are the eternally delusional optimistic type. These people should be shot. Pete: The team has never been to the Super Bowl. Once more, the closest the team ever got was losing by more than four touchdowns during the 1.